Wednesday, February 11, 2015

restructure

I felt like i needed to put down in words, what I currently feel because I don't ever want to forget this struggle - having to choose/find a full-time job that i will possibly grow to love and also learn to become better.

I've learnt a couple of things being cooped up at home, facing nobody but myself. And no.1 has to be patience. I was so upset at myself doing nothing that I forgot all this is temporary. This waiting for interviews, searching for jobs, having no idea what i want to do, this moment isn't going to last forever. That's what always happens to me. I feel like every upsetting moment lasts for eternity and I cannot stop whining about it or stop crying over it. I feel like a loser/failure. I feel like everything is collapsing on me and I'm helpless. I don't know why I pressurised myself like this. This constant worrying, doesn't do me any good, yet I'm stuck to it, like an addiction that I cannot stop. So no.2 has to be for me to stop worrying, and trust. I've to trust God. That everything, will work according to His will, for my good. That everything will work out in the end. It doesn't matter if it SEEMS like it's not what I wanted in the first place, or SEEMS like I am not going to find a job. I got to trust Him. And even if it's really a wrong decision, I'm not a tree. I'm not bound to where I am, I have legs to move towards a better prospect. I can always change. And that's no.3, change is constant and I do not have to be afraid of it. I need to let change be part of my life. Just recently, I feel like being in the media industry might not be where I want to be. But that's just a thought, it might or might not be true. I shall just see where this leads me and slowly find my way in life. What I feel about life is that it is so short. We only have a couple of years to live, to make a difference, to love, to make everlasting friends, to find someone to live your life with side by side, to make a family. I don't want to restrict myself in the things I do, I want to try every field that I like, travel and see places as much as I can, discover more of myself and the world.

So that's what has been on my mind, I still feel like shit inside, like a constant dark cloud resides in me, either releasing rain or thunder on me. But I know, that this feeling isn't going to last forever, it might be hormones (pms), or just the situation I am in now, I shan't be afraid. I will overcome this. Thank you God for keeping the oil in my lamp, making it burn.

xxxxx

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