Thursday, February 2, 2012

thoughts no. 1


i’m not the kind of girl guys go for i remember an acquaintance(crush) once telling me the kind of girl he was looking for, those high-pitched cute n short girls. n from then on, i thought to myself, that’s the kind of girl i wanted to be. I was pretty young actually. But I could never make myself to be like that. I wasn’t. You see, I’m not the kind of girls guys look for. & I have another acquaintance telling me, (not a crush this time) xxx is so pretty, she’s so demure n she’s the prettiest girl i’ve ever seen. I looked at the girl n i thought to myself, what a sad case of a girl I am. If you can consider me to be one of the boys, that I do well. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t play soccer, nor do i dress like a guy, I don’t wear sports bra(they make my boobs look even smaller than they already are), I don’t wear berms n shirt n I don’t have boy short hair. I don’t look a thing like a guy. I don’t walk like a guy. I don’t try to be a guy at all. But I’m just not the girly girl. I don’t make up everyday. I don’t wear dresses everyday. I don’t dress up as much as I want to. I don’t take good care of my skin, my hair, my nails and I’m definitely not feminine. & sometimes, I want to. I just want to be a girl once in a while. Have someone look at me n think ‘wow she’s beautiful’. Have a guy bring me to a proper date, hold my hand n kiss me under the moonlight. n I’m not a nice girl at all. I promise you I’m not. I lie, I cheat, I hate, I insult, I do all the evil things n I’m not near ‘nice’ at all. I’m not kind, I’m not lovely, I don’t buy tissues from old uncles I don’t walk a granny across the traffic light I don’t visit orphanages or volunteer at shelters. I don’t. I’m so far from nice it’s not even funny. n frankly, I’m not looking for a nice guy too. If I ever did, I wouldn’t be here typing this. I’d be whisked away by all the sweet talkers n all the nice things boys do before they get attached to a girl n somehow stop being nice… or that’s just a theory but anyway I’d already be in a relationship. I’ve encountered so many nice guys in my life n i can’t express enough gratitude towards them. Really. But other than that, I’m afraid no feelings whatsoever were involved. So when i’ve finally fallen in love with someone I fall deep. If i were to ask myself what I liked about him, frankly i just don’t know. That is pretty weird I s’pose. The first thing that came to my mind about him would be his smile, his goofy smile n the way he looked at me. I don’t know whether I was imagining it but i feel warmth in his eyes, the way he looks at me, so gentle. So full of love. n that was what I was looking for. The way he holds me, i love holding hands, I love being able to play with his hands n run around with him n laugh out loud n just look into each other’s eyes n the kisses. I’m not looking for a nice guy ’cause I know I’m not a nice girl. Why should I be looking for someone that I know I can’t be? I bet a nice guy looks for a nice girl. I can’t be the nice girl. So i can’t be looking for a guy that isn’t looking for me. But that kinda contradicts what I said above about how guys doesn’t go for girls like me. But this weird guy here does, n I’m ever grateful for that. n well I could be scheming, n i could take advantage of people, i could be temperamental, n angsty n obnoxious n rude n horrible n all n he could be that with me. We could be like Blair n Chuck. n perhaps, love would change us. Make us all better together. Bring our dark sides to each other n learn from each other. I’ve always said I want a nice guy but heck no, that’s not what I want. I’ve encountered so many of them thinking that maybe we could start something but all of them turned out wrong n now all i did was break their hearts. (if that were true) n gave them all false hopes. I didn’t mean to. I’m sorry. So yes, maybe I’m too dreamy. Maybe I don’t match reality with what I hope my love would be. Maybe I’ve been waiting for you for too long n maybe you weren’t waiting for me. Maybe u r an asshole, maybe I took this summer romance too seriously. Maybe you’d do the same to me. Maybe, it wouldn’t be the same again. It wouldn’t be worth it. n maybe, I might meet a really nice guy that I could fall in love with n who could fall in love with me n that he’s able to turn my dark side n bring them to light n it would all be a happy ending. But if that’s not going to happen soon, I’m still going to be waiting. n hoping, but I hope as time flies n leaves turn brown that I’ll learn to let go of you. Probably our sweet memories has made perfect,us. n maybe  i should just fuck all of this n be a guy.

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