Saturday, August 27, 2011

Maybe I was just too blinded to see, what was just in front of me.

Hi I'm back to blogging. Yay for me 'cause exams are officially over. Though I kinda screwed up my Math paper I hope miraculously I will be able to get at least a D+ so I won't have to repeat my module. PLEASE AH TOLONG AH
Alright other than exams being over, I've to double up my work time so I can earn as much money as I can this holiday. However, I need to prioritize my time well so I can work and spend time with my friends as well. This holiday I've plans to go Genting with Jessica, Liling and Xe and I really hope we'll have a blast and it'll be a success! I've outings with my girlfriends I've to plan and also Batam trip with the girls as well.
I've like 4 overseas plans this other half of the year! It's crazy. I'm like so broke i don't even have money to eat I've so many plans to go overseas. I really hope I can earn enough!

p/s Will blog about NDP day and Formal Wear Day very very soon. Stay tune X

Oh and well, last night, I've had some really good thoughts while working. I got sick and tired of having to drown myself in misery, I got disgusted by how I've to drink, smoke to make myself feel better, have to club and then drunk call/text people. It's pathetic, really. This isn't the lifestyle I want. Yeah everyone has shit that happens to them, be it getting dumped by someone, family problems, health problems anything at all. & I hate how I've to go into this 'Temper Zone' where I complain about how sucky my life is, about how I've to end my life and all that bullshit. Seriously. It finally got to me how, totally, immature and repulsive that was.
I know there are people way worse than me, for example yeah the starving Africans, those kids who've to worry about not having ANYTHING to eat at all. They worry for survival. But for me, I've a family, even though they don't support me financially anymore, I still have them. I have friends who care for me, even though I'm a bitch most of the time and I know how sucky I am, they still loves me and despite all my mistakes and flaws, they stuck with me.
I have enough of having to think about what the fuck I was born to do. I had enough of doubting, truth be told. I had enough of having to wonder day and night why I was born. Why. Do. I. Have. To. Live. WHY?! I was really just a mistake after all, I nearly got aborted. I've always felt like I don't belong anywhere. The people I got attached to, weren't my friends anymore. I betrayed and disappointed my friends. I've done horrible things to people I don't even know. I live with guilt every single day. I self-reproach. I cut myself to make myself feel so much better. That the littlest pain I feel, the intention to hurt myself, at least, I could make up for the pain I've done to others. But I know it'll never be enough. The pain is incomparable. I know that. But it doesn't stop me from cutting myself.
After everything I've been through, I'm done. I'm done hoping another guy would come into my life and make me feel better. I'm done wishing for a guy to love me for who I am I'm done wishing for some prince charming to take away my pain and bring me to his castle and live happily ever after. I'm numb, baby. I don't fucking care about anything anymore. Yeah I can care, I care for people, but if you want to leave me, there's nothing I can do about that so I shut myself down and don't think. I just live. I breathe. I go through each day like this. Breathing. All the fun, all the happy times I could make? I give them up. I just live life alone going through school going through work, just going through things.
I don't care anymore. I don't bother anymore I don't try anymore I've lost hope I've ... I became nothing.
Until I came back, and there was the thought of, where has God been in your life? and I knew. I've been in a maze all throughout and there was just this short cut that could get me straight to the end but I was just too blinded to see. I was blinded by selfish desires of my own. Things happen, for a reason. God knows everything, He knows the choices I would make and He knows the small minute insignificant pain I feel and He's just there, opening his arms to me, to make me feel better but I couldn't see, I didn't want that, I wanted someone human. God could/would never ever disappoint, and I chose to let go of that. Talk about stupidity.
& so I'm done, with this verses from Romans 8:38-39
For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.

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