I was wondering a few days back,about who I am. & the people around me. I've realized a lot of things. About me,as usual. It's like everyday of my mundane life I get exposed to more and more of me. I see the reason why people leave me. I know the reason why I always feel unloved I feel the reason why I'm so fucked up. It ain't easy feeling like a bitch everyday of your life. Waking up each day finding out more flaws of yourself like as if it's not enough. Everyone slowly leaving you because you're not good enough. Because I'm not good enough. I pity and sympathise my friends. For knowing and befriending such a person like me. It ain't easy sticking around and thanks to all those friends who haven't yet left me. I'm not trying to put up a pity party or anything. It's my fucking blog and I can rant right? I'm really not a good friend. Not a nice friend at all. Just an average person with average or even less than average care for the people around me. Sometimes it ain't 'cause I don't want to care. Sometimes I really don't dare to. Afraid to care too much. Afraid to put in too much in a friendship,becoming too attached to someone and then they'll realize that I'm not the person they thought I was,trust someone else,don't think I'm important enough and eventually leave me. Or maybe just plain fucking lazy? You'll agree with that don't you? Ya you're not supposed to expect anything in return when you give. But I'm fucking human. I feel. & I've a need to feel important. I'm trying to change that. But it ain't easy. Every time my paranoia acts up,it really is hard. I have a never-ending train of thoughts as well. They tell me I'm self-centered. All I ever care about was myself. & yes that is true. Because all I could ever see in their eyes were other people. Because I've never really seen myself in their eyes. I always feel transparent. Treated like an average whore. & I tried to be unique,to be special,to be noticed. I've tried that all my life. Because I've always feel invisible all my fucking life. Trying not to care that I feel that way,giving cold shoulders,acting stuck up,pretending that it didn't bother me. & for once I felt special,I felt like I matter,I felt that I was anchored on the ground,not floating around trying to fit in. Anchored to grounds that take me as I am. A circle I could fit in. A piece of a puzzle that fits,like a family. I felt like I belong. I didn't have to try too hard to be noticed. But boy was it just an illusion. I was looking at a perfect puzzle that didn't need another piece,I was at the window,looking at a happy family that wasn't mine to call. Thinking back at the times I've had,really it felt all wrong. I should never have been in the picture. I should have never been born! I see so many reasons why I should have never existed. Ok,I try to be positive,so look at the reasons why I should instead. Hmm.. Nada. My friends don't need me. I am the odd one out in my family. Have always been a burden. I depend on people not the other way round. I bring trouble to people. I'm temperamental,needy,desperate,demanding,selfish,self-centered.rude,don't show respect to people,unkind,unloving,greedy,malicious,materialistic,superficial,manipulative and so much more that I can't think of. Tell me,what's the point of me living? All I do is hurt others,irritate ,annoy, disappoint, make 'em angry. The joy that I bring is temporarily minute. Gone like the wind. The world don't need someone like me. I'm the black sheep. I'm absolutely downright terrible. I'm weak I can't stand the challenges and obstacles God has given me. Why don't You take me away?
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