Tuesday, June 1, 2010

In solitude,i embrace.

Recently,I've been alone. Trying to study for my chinese O's. I did the paper yesterday and it was ok. Not so sure how much I'm able to get though.
Currently,xe and yq stayed over last night and they're on my mattress bored shitless. It's the last sleepover I'll have I think. 'Cause I'm going to open up a mahjong table and put it in the middle of my room to study. This way,I'll always be reminded to study!

It's funny how nowadays,I revel in simple things like reading a book. I'm no longer interested in hanging out or going out with a bunch of people. Gets kinda awkward and shit. Plus I'm planning to leave everything behind and everyone behind and move on to my next phase of life. I'm very proud of myself actually. Last time,when I'm alone,I tend to get very restless and I HAVE TO go meet someone. Anyone. Just to get away from solitude and loneliness. But now,I embrace it. I like solitude. 'Cause in my solitude,I can be who I want to be,don't have to think of ways to satisfy people and I don't have to be afraid of what people think but just be myself. There's so many things in life I haven't do like watch a movie alone. I'm going to do it soon! Hahahaha I used to think it's so sadistic and all but now,I think it's quite ok. From many things,I've learn that you'll always be alone. No matter how many people are around you no matter how many friends are around you. You'll feel this empty sinking feeling inside and no one know's why. & I've learn not to ever ever believe and pin hopes on words. And I've learn to be independent and be alone. Do things with myself. Yes,I still do love having friends hanging out with me and all. But there's always this voice inside my head telling me things I don't wish to hear. The worse part is that I don't know whether the things the voice said is true. And I have trust too many people for all the wrong reasons and I've pinned hopes on people but it all went crashing down. One thing that makes me stand up to it all is because I believe I'm like that too. I'm a sinner,everyone's a sinner. So we're all wrong. I've decided long ago that if my name has a dirty mark on it,I'm not going to clean it off or fight it with even good reasons why it shouldn't be there. I've long given up. I believe if you believe in me,you wouldn't believe and look at only my dirty mark. It's funny how I've managed to lose so many people in a short time. I can gladly say,I'm alone now. Without me,things are so much simpler,easier and better.  I've learn that books will always be my best friend and my sweet escape into another world. I'm an escapism-ist. Haha God taught me lots of things this few days. In church and in bible study yesterday. I need to be prepared for him,not get distracted by problems and focus on Him.I love you God and I'll never let you go. Even when I'm tired and I feel like dying and just giving it all away,I won't. I'll give it all up to You. You'll let me rest and wake me up. Xoxo/ash


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